My thoughts have agoraphobia

Taking notes only worked for a month. Then my notebook just became another collection of blank pages for me to stare at and worry over.

So, in case you were wondering where I’ve been: I’ve been sat quietly, stuck inside my own head. I don’t really know where I’ve been. September only really exists in scribbles.

I’m struggling with my thoughts. I have no means of escapism. Perhaps I should have never shared what’s going on in here. Perhaps I should have let it be nothing more than the moving pictures of a world within my mind.

And I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do this. Lost my voice, so to speak.

I can feel myself slipping as it gets closer.

And it shouldn’t matter. These are just more days from the calendar of my life. Except notable days have information indelibly printed on to them, like bank holidays of grief. Like I must remember those days, or I’m a failure.

I feel like I’m stuck playing the role of a tragic character who must carry their burden for all of eternity but then you find out they’re doing it by choice and no one wanted this life for anyone.

Except I need a plot twist. I need a way to make everything okay; for some kind of dénouement to end the scene so I can start a new story. I’m stuck living the same thing over and over, no matter where I go or what I do or how I try to be. With no available means of escape, it’s simply too exhausting.

I can feel myself fading as my daydreams get further away.

I’m so fucking scared of falling apart again. You’d think each time would make me stronger, but I’m just a fractured mannequin whose fragments are held together with cheap glue. One knock – either too hard or at a weak point – could break me apart completely. And how would we ever fix that? Who would even want to bother?

I’m trying. I threw myself in at the deep end but I’m barely treading water and I’m so damn tired. It’s so much easier to float away quietly.

Or just let myself sink.

My grandad once told me that you go under three times before you drown.

1…
2…

Please, please, save me from this.
Let me have my little dream.
All the best answers come to me when I’m in my own little world.
And I know that’s so sad, and incredibly lonely…
But as long as I have that little world,
Just sitting there for whenever I need a break from this one,
I can truly cope with anything.
It’s where the magic comes from, you see.

10 comments on “My thoughts have agoraphobia

  1. You are still here. Hang in there. Take big deep breaths each time you surface.

  2. I hope writing this has helped.

  3. Write, keep writing the truth all the time, it does not matter what anyone thinks it only matters that writing helps you. Poppet, be in your own World, I go into my own World if we are happy there than that is all that counts, who are others to criticise. I spent the majority of my life doing what others wanted me to do and I was still in the wrong with them, I was taught to worry about what others thought about me, it has taken me until this last year not to care what others think. Be yourself, care about you do what is right for you. I am here for you as I am sure others are too. Just remember poppet, write, write and let the truth out. Take care of yourself, my love to you.

    • Wow, thank you. Truth is, I do live in my own little world most of the time but I have thin boundaries and everything blurs together. And people get caught up in it… And then I write about it, and then they read it, and then it all gets messy.

      I definitely feel like I’m always in the wrong. But I also feel that it’s my fault; I try too hard or don’t try hard enough. I hope one day I get past that. At least, I hope one day I can stop caring about what other people think.

      I’m not going to stop writing. I really appreciate the fact you’re there for me. Thanks again, so much x

      • That time will come, you must not allow yourself to feel you are in the wrong all the time, I let people do that to me and I spent the majority of my life trying to please them but it was never enough. No one can understand unless they have been through it. I took comfort in writing, keeping a diary/journal hiding them writing my thoughts every day. I think the writing saved me it gave me some kind of strength to keep going, as long as you write the truth. You take care of yourself.

        • I’m starting to see that now. I always found it easier to just assume I was wrong and bow down to others, than it was to assert myself and turn out to be wrong. If that makes sense? I couldn’t stand the idea of letting people down, or making myself look stupid. I haven’t quite worked this all out yet, so it’s hard to explain… But yes, I absolutely must keep writing. The truth is pretty hard to say sometimes, but it has to be done. Thank you again. You look after yourself too 🙂 x

  4. Powerful and wonderfully engaging! Don’t lose yourself soul. Float. I know you can and I know you will. I believe in you my friend. ^_^

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