Audiomemory

So of course I crashed.
The cycles are rapid.
I am confused
But this is nothing new.

It must be wonderful
Living a life worthwhile.
Forever I’ve felt stuck at the periphery
Occasionally coming closer
Before retreating to the shadows
And hiding away again.

Burn and start over.

You’re still there, in spite of everything,
And these tests aren’t deliberate
But circumstance conspired for everything to be this way.
All I can control is my part in the ending
And all I have the strength to do
Is to turn away.

I don’t want this to be the end, but the truth is that I probably won’t ever want it to stop.
And we could carry on forever as long as we never move.
Like sparks dancing frozen,
Trapped in a camera lens.
But pictures fade.

I spent too much time waiting up for you.
I need a break.

I have virtuous motivation
When I want to impress the right person.
You give my thoughts something to aim for
But the words are a trainwreck
Endlessly derailing
On the same part of track.

Why would I want to be your girlfriend
When I can be so much more than that?
But I speak in emotions
And I have no idea
How that resounds in the ears of the emotionless.

I’m going to find someone
Who lets me fall in love with them.
You’re my living fantasy
But all my daydreams are wrong.
I’m living inside your dreams
But I have no control over anything.

I would love more than anything
To be able to transcribe your memories
Into something that emotionally takes you back
To anyone you used to be.
But you’d need to let me in
And I can’t see that happening.

My notes have once again become a cryptic journal
Chronicling mood but not truth
And skipping between reality and wonder.

Awkward silences on screen.
A fragile intimacy with a stranger
Who is equally fact and fiction
And curiosity and hunger
May well be the key to something beautiful
But I am superglue in the lock
And there’s no cure for that.

I think what it really comes down to
Is that I don’t think I’ll ever understand you
But you fascinate me
In so many ways
And I want to study you forever.

I want to delete everything
And erase the last eight months of my life
But there are eyes on me
And they won’t stop staring.
I wouldn’t have come this far without you
But I keep forgetting that you’re never really with me at all.
All that’s left is to find out
Whether my own devices
Sink me like a stone
Or float me away to better things.

I miss you being in my dreams.
I miss dreaming.
Look at how much I have to say
Upon the slightest provocation
Based on misunderstanding
And the apparent dashing of hope.

But it has to end.
It’s too ridiculous
And I keep pushing
To make it really weird.

18 comments on “Audiomemory

  1. Wow! This gripped my heart. So much emotion and contradictory feelings. I can relate. A powerful piece. Well written and heartfelt. Hear versus mind sucks xx

  2. This is so poignantly beautiful. You run the gamut with emotions. Wonderful read! 🙂

  3. I wish I could press “like” a thousand times.

  4. I’m still reading! I’m not stopping either. 😉

    Your thoughts are quite amazing, and quite beautiful. I hope you are well, and that you never stop writing. Still, if ever you do. I’ll miss you my friend! ^_^

    So, hopefully that day won’t come. A bit selfish I know, but you inspire me. So keep doing what you do. Have an amazing night my friend.

    Cheers! 🙂

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