Clouding of consciousness

I’ve been trying to navigate my way through my brain fog with only normal light to guide me. I have a much better light to see me through but I’ve been scared to turn it back on because it dazzled us all last time.

But who wants to daydream in dipped beam luminosity?
And why should anyone have to?

I haven’t been sleeping enough. I haven’t been eating enough. Sometimes this turns me into a maniac of productivity, but recently it’s made all the minutes and hours and days blur into each other and I don’t know where I am. I write on here and then a week passes and I honestly don’t know what happened.

Functioning, almost.

My thoughts scatter. There’s so much I want to tell you; things that I’ve remembered and thought about as I lie in the dark, my mind deflecting the punches of sleepiness until it just can’t keep up the fight anymore. My eyes open a few hours later and I’m expected to be a normal person, doing normal things, surrounded by a world full of normal people keeping each other’s normality in check.

There is nothing normal about any of this.

I wish I could take back all the words I said and write you something new.

…but I can’t. The words are there forever, now. And once they’ve been written and sent on their way, I no longer have any control over them. I can’t stop them being read or misread or misused. I only have this moment right now, where I have to express myself correctly or risk immortalising mistruth or misunderstanding.

And I’m so unsure of myself.

Is that something that needs to change? Constant questioning is certainly exhausting but I’m not sure it’s something I want to give up.

23 comments on “Clouding of consciousness

  1. Be honest with yourself. Oh heh, hi there! I was just saying I’d read your post and bam! My reader updated. Funny how that works. Sorry if days and weeks blur. I’ve been doing that lately. Been stressed and it has a weird effect on time.

    I’m doing better now though. I hope you are okay. πŸ™‚

  2. I say just write what your mind brings, unapologetic and real. Bring the true thought!

    • That’s what I’m trying to do… I think I just wrote a lot all at once and I’m having a bit of a recovery before I move on to the next thing. But I don’t tend to censor, so it’ll come out however it comes to me πŸ™‚

  3. It sounds as though you a very, very tired. Take better care of yourself ~ take it from me, that kind of weariness cannot go on forever.

    • I know… it’s been going on since February/March and it got really bad at the start of summer. I’ve been fighting through it but it’s really affecting me now. I feel like my brain is starting to shut down on me. Hopefully I’ll start to feel better once I’ve settled into the recent change of routine.

      Thank you, it was really kind of you to say that πŸ™‚

  4. Be yourself, be honest – there is no other way to be. I know what that not sleeping is like, it is hard to go to bed when you should, even harder to close one’s eyes. Take care, thinking of you.

    • Yes, it’s hard – but I don’t know why I find it so hard! And I find it too difficult to be anyone other than myself… my words always give me away. I worry sometimes I’ve been a bit too honest on here.

      I’ll try. And thank you – I’m genuinely touched. x

      • I know myself I am too honest on here but that is how I am, you must say what you think otherwise you would be deceiving yourself. You are a brave Girl, take care poppet.

        • Definitely. What’s the point of not being true to yourself anyway? I want to find out who I am, not lead myself further astray! And thank you, although I don’t think I’m brave. I feel like a massive coward most of the time x

  5. I’ve had days (sometimes weeks!) where I’ve felt like this too. You’re not alone! Take care of yourself. I’m sure things will start to make sense once you’ve come out on the other side of all this. πŸ™‚

    • This feels like it’s been going on forever… I’ve lost all momentum! Thank you though, it’s comforting to know others understand how I’m feeling. And yes – knowing that it’ll eventually be over (and that it might provide me with something else to write about) is one of the things that’s keeping my spirits up πŸ™‚ x

  6. Don’t look back. Just leave it out there. I mean, read it again later, of course, but don’t think about what you have written. No regrets.

  7. “There’s so much I want to tell you; things that I’ve remembered and thought about as I lie in the dark”… Sounds interesting. Can’t wait for you to share.

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