Bitter/sweet

I am so fat.
I need to stop losing weight.

I am ugly.
I can’t be that ugly; I’ve had too many handsome and beautiful lovers.
I can’t post selfies for validation, because look at the state of it…
I like you seeing my face.
My face is a flaw and I should hide my flaws.
I have pretty eyes. And eyelashes, if you can count that kind of thing.

I am unsexy and disgusting.
I am pretty fucking hot.
Why would anyone want to see me naked?
I kept the photos of me, in case he needed them again.
I cringe every time I scroll past them; I never even had the courage to play the video back.
I made the video.
I made the fucking video. It will never be seen.
I don’t care; I enjoyed it.

My thoughts are impure and dirty.
I have beautiful thoughts.
My thoughts will kill me and send me to hell.
My thoughts are fucking heavenly.

I am to blame.
I am innocent.

I don’t take myself seriously enough.
I take myself too seriously.

I am stand-offish.
At least I’m polite about it.
I’m antisocial.
I’m just so fucking shy.
Leave me alone.
Please don’t ever leave.
I don’t need you.
Please adore me.

I’m totally worthless.
I’m actually quite arrogant.
I’m a hack.
I’m actually alright.
My voice surprises me.
I’m honestly not surprised.

I’m too scared to speak.
I’m yelling from the bloody rooftops.

Someone likes me – I must destroy it.
I destroyed something – I must fix it.
I can’t fix it – burn it all and salt the earth.
Cradle the ashes – lament that which is lost.

Bloodletter.
Bloodphobic.

There is no hope.
There is always hope.

My heart is a Frankenstein’s monster of stitched-up pieces.
My heart is pinned onto my sleeve.
I am sour, bitter.
I am sweet.

I am a fucking liar.
I am pathetically honest.

I am pretty liberal.
I am pretty conservative.
(Voting is hard.)

I am incredibly stupid.
I might be quite clever.
I am uneducated and dumb.
I know many things – some of them are even useful!
I don’t read enough.
I own literally hundreds of books.

I am a waste of everyone’s time.
I think I deserve a moment or two.

I can’t control my emotions.
My emotions are safely contained.
I have no meaningful emotions.
I don’t want them anyway.

I don’t believe a word you say.
Please don’t stop speaking.

Life is just meaningless waves of energy.
Life is just meaningful waves of energy.

You can’t win with me.
You can’t lose, either.

0 comments on “Bitter/sweet

  1. Love the conflict it’s so frantic and defiant. It flows so true. I’ve had many of those arguments with myself. Really great piece!

    • Thank you so much! It really is good to know it isn’t just me. I can’t hold the contradictory thoughts in my head all together, so they just fight amongst themselves. Constant conflict.

      • Ahaha, oh I know it too well. Done an edit pass on a short story I wrote and decided I was quite talented. One hour later and I’m back to being untalented. It’s certainly not just you. We’re all as messed up as each other here. Tortured artists through and through. Besides the conflict keeps us humble and striving to be better. It’s the people that put up with us if we’re lucky enough to have someone that I feel for. Haha!!

        • Oh man, that’s every post! I’m happy enough when I write something, but I’ve only read everything back once – and I wanted to delete and change so much because I thought it was bloody terrible! I like it here, though. I’ve never felt so supported in my neurosis haha! But it absolutely does push you to be better. It’s awesome.
          Oh, and I’m a total pain in the arse to be around, I’m sure of that πŸ˜‰

          • I’m quite sure I’m way worse to be around! Haha. It’s great to come here and realise your not alone. We encourage each other not to give up you may think your piece isn’t working but through another’s eyes it’s the purest form of seeing into someone soul, even if you do sometimes write poems for comedic effect like me. Keep on writing and I definitely look forward to seeing more form you!

          • Oh god no, you can’t be – I’ve had to move counties a few times because I’ve pissed so many people off! And it’s really great here. I honestly don’t see what other people see in my writing, but it’s amazing that they can get something meaningful from it. Thank you – same to you! πŸ™‚

          • In general terms there are two main types of writing. Writing to help you express yourself and writing to entertain. Both of these want to be noticed but in different ways. I never showed my work to anyone for a long time. This is a place to learn and figure out what kind of writer you are. So far I can tell you that you’re a good one, but you need to decide the rest. Just do what I do and enjoy being here meeting people and getting involved, at the end of the day we all need a place that makes us smile. Especially if you’re not allowed back to certain countries. Haha!!

          • Oh, counties – not countRies! I’m not quite that bad haha! But it does make me smile here, so hopefully things will continue to go awesomely.

            I’m going to keep working it out as I go along, I guess. I like the idea of both types of writing, and both at once. I spent years thinking ‘I’ll start writing when I find my voice’ and then it turned out all I needed to do was speak. I had the damn thing all along…

          • Ah the wonders of predictive text *sigh* It’s not my worst text based faux pas.

            I imagine things will continue that way, just embrace everything and don’t be afraid to start talking everyone here is looking for a conversation, to give and to take advice. Besides you’re doing rather awesomely already, why not keep going!

            Haha, yeah it’s the crazy thing desire to write but fearing you’ve not voice. The best thing to do is speak. All I do is ramble nonsensically and it seems to entertain. Speak loud, speak proud and enjoy yourself!!

          • Haha, same here! Predictive text seems to want to get me into trouble sometimes…

            I’m trying – if I overthink it then I’ll just start worrying, so I’m just writing and talking to the lovely people I come across so far πŸ™‚ And thank you – I don’t feel I’m quite at ‘awesomely’ myself yet, but I’ll keep going anyway πŸ˜‰

            It’s ridiculous how much time I must have wasted… But no point lamenting, I just have to concentrate on now. It’s all that matters!

          • I’m the same so much time wasted but the joy of writing is it needs life experience and has no age limit. It’s just nice to be doing it now.
            As I say just enjoy being here it’s a lovely place and even if you don’t see what you’ve created we readers do!

          • Yes! When I think back to some of the stuff I wrote when I was younger, I was so convinced that I knew so much about life – but I had no clue at all! So it’s definitely a good time for me now.
            And I’m glad – thank you for being so welcoming!

          • My absolute pleasure, it’s nice having you around and reading these startling tales that you really do wish were fiction.
            We all have that youthful arrogance. Life usually helps kill it…eventually. Haha!!

          • I’m glad you feel that way. There’s still plenty more to come! (Sadly.)

            Ah, yes, there’s nothing quite like living to suck the life out of you… πŸ˜‰

          • (Oh, and thank you!)

          • (Haha! Your very welcome, anytime! πŸ˜„ Thank you for being so kind talking to an insane man like me πŸ˜‰)

  2. That was a great read. I suppose we all feel those psyche-wars, the pull and the push. Loved this. πŸ˜ƒ

  3. *whistling* and *clapping*

  4. Superb! What a terrific read! Wish you a great sunday! Sarah πŸ™‚

  5. Very beautifully written

  6. This is me. I completely identify with this poem. You express it perfectly

  7. I think: you are human!! πŸ™‚

    • I hope so πŸ˜‰ I’m glad it’s just part of being a human though, it’s kind of good to know we all deal with similar thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment – I appreciate it!

  8. I have just seen you are following my Blog, thank you Kim I really appreciate that.

  9. Great contradictions! Well presented.

  10. I love it! (Side note, I’m all caught up) πŸ˜‰

    Cheers! ^_^

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: