The truth is, you’ll never know the truth

Everyone has different boundaries. Some people have thick boundaries, where thought and feeling are totally distinct and the difference between the past and present is clear. They’re very good at not being distracted, and their sense of identity is unambiguous. People with thick boundaries know the difference between being awake and dreaming.

People with thick boundaries probably just read that and thought: well, yeah, those things are bloody obvious.

People who have thin boundaries can’t focus too well. They daydream and lose themselves. Waking and sleeping blend into each other, with dreams occasionally¬† so vivid that they bring people temporarily back to life. Their sense of identity is fucked; it drifts all over the place and gets caught up in other people’s jet streams. Everything is vague. The past blends in with the present, and the past self turns up every now and then just to remind you that you’re still the same terrible person you always were.

Thick and thin boundaries seem like some kind of psychoanalyst-speak to describe how normal people think compared to the personality-disordered.

Boundaries tend to be consistent throughout our lifetimes, although people can have a mixture of thin and thick. Most people aren’t at the extreme ends of the continuum, either. You can have well-defined boundaries regarding your identity but then at night you might dream about flying and not recover for days at a time.

Many people have read many books about out-of-body experiences so they could see what the world looked like from eyes that weren’t quite inside their own head. I think the general idea is that you relax into a meditative state and open *something* that allows your soul to roam out into the world, tethered to your earthly body by a strand of pure golden light. Or just wait until you get a migraine and the disruption to the temporoparietal junction in your brain will send you flying off anyway. Even vomit-inducing headaches have some magic to them.

I take pills that keep the headaches at bay. They keep me inside my body, and thicken up my boundaries. Lack of sleep means the pills don’t work quite as well, and by the time we got talking I was just so eager to lose myself again.

People with thick boundaries are more likely to use defence mechanisms to protect themselves. They wall themselves in and isolate their thoughts. I wish I could do that. My thoughts escape me.

After 2am, I’m not myself. The world gets colder and goes quiet. The longer the night goes on, the more diffused I feel. Something strange has happened, but I can’t work out what it is. All I know for sure is that I’ve made so many mistakes. My words were wrong – or not enough – and I’ve been reading too much into what is ultimately very little. The words of other people have made me feel like I’ve been left in the dark and my imagination provides a light that’s too bright sometimes. I don’t want to know about them. It’s bad enough that they’re there.

I’m not lonely, I’m disconnected.
We dissected ourselves too soon.

0 comments on “The truth is, you’ll never know the truth

  1. I wasn’t quite sure what you were hinting at, but I liked the part about boundaries. I want to add, don’t worry about words you used or said. Consider how you reflect on words others have said. If not that much, that’s how others consider yours too (unless you stress their importance). If you pore over them, well… still, others generally don’t.

    I’m sure your situation is unique, but I figure everyone is going through something like 75% of the same type of anxieties and thoughts at any given time. Experience, wisdom, age, knowledge, expertise – doesn’t matter.

    • I’m generally a bit vague. And I either read too much into other people’s words, or not enough! The problem with being vague while wanting to write something meaningful for someone else is that it’s all left up to their interpretation, and I’m not sure what they really think or whether they honestly like it.

      Oh, I’m sure it’s not just me. I just wish I didn’t care so much.

      • I think vague is good quite a lot of the time. It means what it means to you, but everyone can take from it what they need. If words are good in a certain order, they’re good. Meaning is in the mind of the reader, I think.

        Caring is good too. Because sensitive is good. Sure, it totally sucks sometimes, but it’s good.

        • It’s fine until it starts causing problems between you and the person who knows you write about them… and I don’t always think through what I’m saying because I want it to sound good. But yes, I think it makes it more relatable, in a weird way.

          Oh, it totally sucks. That’s why I find other people so exhausting. I feel inappropriately sensitive most of the time.

          • Oh, to be slightly less thoughtful and sensitive, so you didn’t have to perform mental exercises every time you spoke. Makes you want to remain silent. But you can’t. Maddening.

          • After a while, you get used to the fact that no one else is ever going to completely ‘get’ what you’re saying – even the one who you’re trying to get the message across to. And being silent isn’t an option… the words I regret most are the ones I never said.

          • That is so true. I can explain or talk my way out of (and back into!) trouble or misunderstanding, but if I say nothing, it turns my insides.

            I’m used to people not understanding everything I say, but I keep saying it, because every so often there is that one person who gets it.

          • I’d spend forever wondering what would have happened if only I’d spoken…

            It’s nice when someone understands. Even if it’s only a little bit of what you say, or just the feeling behind the words.

  2. Funny I should come to this post now. It is shortly after 1am and I can not sleep. Insomnia has the better of me. I think you understand more than you give yourself credit.

    There is so much I want to say on this post but presently I’m a tad distracted and can not collect my thoughts. Maybe I will come back and comment again later.

    Know I found comfort in reading this though. It beats present thoughts and distractions so thank you!

    Cheers! ^_^

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