The symbolic relationship between you and me

I have a chest of drawers full of notebooks. They’re all blank. There are some really nice Moleskine ones, and some really nice Paperchase ones, and they’re all so nice that I couldn’t possibly write anything I have to say in them. It would waste the notebook. Very occasionally I’ll have a great idea, or I’ll allow myself one to ‘trash’, and I’ll write something in it. I might even write lots of somethings in it. And then I feel guilty for ruining it, and I’ll try to take the pages out carefully so that the rest of the notebook might be saved from the disaster that is my writing. But then the notebook is no longer perfect. I can’t throw it out, because I’m the one who murdered it. I need to keep it as a souvenir, so that I always remember: every time I attempt something, the consequences are usually fatal.

I say goodbye eventually. I have to wait for them to forgive me first.

You, however, made me feel like it wasn’t such a disaster after all. I don’t know what you saw in me, or what made you take me by the hand and pull me in, but you made me wonder if maybe I’ve been a little tiny bit hard on myself. You gave me some hope, is what you did. And you came here, unprompted, and made me actually believe in myself a little bit. I will always be grateful.

Now I don’t really know what to do. I feel stuck. I’m torn between pushing through it and trying to write something beautiful, and hiding away forever because I’ve been behaving like a maniac and I feel all over the place. I have no idea what you’re thinking. I can’t ask.

Reporters notebooks are fine for me to write in. I have half a dozen of them, just sitting around, waiting for me to write on them sleepily in the moonlight. I have a lot more notes than usual recently. I write down things to write about on here; I make little scribbles that might turn into something interesting one day; I take notes of things that I want to talk to you about… and then I never do.

Please keep believing in me. I want to exist.

0 comments on “The symbolic relationship between you and me

  1. Are you referencing the reader in this or someone more specific? I am still intrigued and enjoy reading. I am sorry if I fell off the past day or two. I have been stupid busy. I’m on holiday now though so I have a few more days free yet.

    I hope life is treating you alright.

    Cheers! ^_^

    • Both, kinda… I had someone in mind when I wrote it, but I realised much of it could be extended to whoever was reading at the time. I have a habit of leaving words for specific people mixed in with other writing. It gets a bit confusing though…

      Oh, don’t apologise – I have to go to bed so I’m not even going to make it through the other comments (I have read them though – and I’m not a robot! ;)) I’ll reply to more tomorrow hopefully. And life is pretty good right now, I hope you’re okay! x

      • I’ve noticed you write things into posts that are clearly marked for someone out there while still weaving it into something that as a whole is for the reader. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t overly reading into it though.

        *gasp*

        A robot might respond that they are not a robot.

        No worries, get to the other comments whenever you get to them.

        Night! ^_^

        • It’s not always just one person, to be honest. When I first started writing on here, I found it a bit daunting that I was making it public yet I had no idea who would be reading it – and there’s someone amazing who gave me loads of encouragement and helped me to actually get started so I just treated the posts as if they were letters to that person. It gave me a bit of focus. And I wrote them into it a bit, but because I write about other people in similar ways it all got a bit confusing.

          Definitely not reading too much into it though – I leave hidden messages that not everyone would notice 🙂

          I find robots terrifying, so I hope I’m not a robot. Oh man, what if I am…?

          • Yeah, I can see where that could get confusing. I also think it is awesome another soul helped you. They seem super awesome! It is also super cool how you used them as inspiration. People should be more like that but, free will is also a good thing which makes me think I guess the world is what it is as a re-

            Never mind…I’m rambling.

            Plot twist! You are a robot and never even knew it! :O 😉

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: