Let me try this again. I don’t want to start hiding and deleting words. I will just write something better next time and bury this quickly.
The topic was loneliness. Four in the morning is the worst possible time to be writing about loneliness though, because that’s the loneliest hour of all. And last night was particularly lonely; even the bird who starts singing for me just after midnight had found someone better to grace with its presence.
And I felt very, very lonely. Which is pathetic, and I hate admitting it. This is why the post became unpublished: I don’t want people to actually witness any distress.
I’m not very good at asking for help. Or making friends, or maintaining friendships.
I’ve always maintained that I don’t need other people. And to be honest, it’s not very often that I feel lonely. Loneliness isn’t something that happens when I’m on my own a lot, it’s something that happens when I see how much fun everyone else is having. I get lonely when I realise that, by hiding myself away at every opportunity, I’ve closed the world off and turned it into something I can’t actually get into anymore. I’m yelling at you from a window. I’m just watching. I don’t know how to do anything else.
It’s always been this way. I spent my whole life perfecting being aloof, and now I wonder why no one wants to talk to me. I am trying. I try to be nice. I try to say nice things to people when they feel down, and I try to make sure people don’t feel ignored, and I try to join in interesting conversations… but it doesn’t work. I’m just not very good at it, so it would just sound bitter if I got upset about not being noticed, or being pushed out of conversations, or whatever.
I feel dirty just saying that. I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t mind. It shouldn’t bother me anymore. I feel like I’m ‘indulging’ in ‘attention-seeking behaviour’ and I don’t want to do that. I have no idea what you think of me, but trying to get your attention in that way is a sure-fire way of looking needy and desperate and I can’t come across like that. Because I’m not. I’m just lonely, right now, and I want to tell you I feel sad.
But I will never, ever, admit it. I will talk around it – or not say a word – until the feeling goes away.