Sequestered

Let me try this again. I don’t want to start hiding and deleting words. I will just write something better next time and bury this quickly.

The topic was loneliness. Four in the morning is the worst possible time to be writing about loneliness though, because that’s the loneliest hour of all. And last night was particularly lonely; even the bird who starts singing for me just after midnight had found someone better to grace with its presence.

And I felt very, very lonely. Which is pathetic, and I hate admitting it. This is why the post became unpublished: I don’t want people to actually witness any distress.

I’m not very good at asking for help. Or making friends, or maintaining friendships.

I’ve always maintained that I don’t need other people. And to be honest, it’s not very often that I feel lonely. Loneliness isn’t something that happens when I’m on my own a lot, it’s something that happens when I see how much fun everyone else is having. I get lonely when I realise that, by hiding myself away at every opportunity, I’ve closed the world off and turned it into something I can’t actually get into anymore. I’m yelling at you from a window. I’m just watching. I don’t know how to do anything else.

It’s always been this way. I spent my whole life perfecting being aloof, and now I wonder why no one wants to talk to me. I am trying. I try to be nice. I try to say nice things to people when they feel down, and I try to make sure people don’t feel ignored, and I try to join in interesting conversations… but it doesn’t work. I’m just not very good at it, so it would just sound bitter if I got upset about not being noticed, or being pushed out of conversations, or whatever.

I feel dirty just saying that. I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t mind. It shouldn’t bother me anymore. I feel like I’m ‘indulging’ in ‘attention-seeking behaviour’ and I don’t want to do that. I have no idea what you think of me, but trying to get your attention in that way is a sure-fire way of looking needy and desperate and I can’t come across like that. Because I’m not. I’m just lonely, right now, and I want to tell you I feel sad.

But I will never, ever, admit it. I will talk around it – or not say a word – until the feeling goes away.

0 comments on “Sequestered

  1. I need people in my life but sometimes I enjoy solitude

    • I think a lot of people are like that, I just feel as though I need more space than other people do. I like knowing others are there, I just need a little distance. It’s why I like living in a city; I find it comforting to know there are always people around but I can choose whether or not I interact with them 🙂

  2. I get drained when around a lot of people. The more people, the quicker I get that way. It gets to the point I have to leave someplace secluded just to get away. Too many people, too many emotions I suppose. I’ll be in a group of friends and say nothing but if I can get one of them alone, I will socialize much better. It is easier for me to do that and I find people are much more themselves when around fewer people (in most cases). I like to see who people really are in that way.

    I feel your pain, it does lead to feeling lonely. If I did not have the blessing of my wife and our son, I’d be completely alone like 99.99999999% of the time. Seriously, I don’t like to socialize.

    Given the choice I prefer to be alone. There are exceptions to that rule, obviously one being my family, but outside of them, I can’t handle being around a ton of people.

    Growing up I remember how isolated that made me feel, not to mention weird. I mean, if you look at the rest of society, you are the weird one if you don’t love to throw yourself out there and socialize. So I always felt kind of out of place, even when people tried to include me, I often wouldn’t hang out.

    Part of that was, I moved A LOT! Growing up. Stupid amounts actually. This was a good and a bad thing. It helped me meet tons of people but I moved so often it became hard to grow too attached or worse I would make a new best friend and then move away after becoming too attached (happened with women I had a thing for as well) and I would be completely devastated.

    In some ways it became easier to be isolated after a while but it never changes the fact you feel lonely. We all do from time to time. Don’t be too hard on yourself for it. It is okay to be vulnerable.

    You aren’t a robot you know. 😉

    …wait a second…

    Or are you? Are you some kind of advanced AI that makes stories, puts relatable things in them, and then tests to see who notices these aren’t really your life experiences or how people react to said stories if they were?

    I’m kidding! You are prob just a sociopath. 😉 (I feel the need to tell you I’m still joking, even though I know you know this)

    • I don’t understand how some people need constant company. My daughter is 4 and she doesn’t stop talking – she’s awesome, but I feel so tired all the time because I’m not getting a chance to listen to my own thoughts and that drains me… Same with other people. It’s like sleeping but without the dream state… I’m getting something out of it, but the part that refreshes me is missing.
      I was definitely the weird kid. I didn’t really move much – even when I lived with my mum, I only moved a mile away. I don’t know… I just got scared of being hurt, so it seemed easier to lock myself away and only let a few people in. I still get hurt though, so it was a pretty shit plan haha!
      Definitely not a robot… That would make an awesome story, though! 😀

      • Yeah, I get the want to be isolated. My son is 3 about to be 4 and he is super hyperactive. I know most kids are, but I swear once you become a parent, the kids quite literally leech all that energy you once had. A lovely thing but something I’ve noticed.

        My son gets a tad too much from me I think. I see it in him all the time. He is always running around, talking, and sometimes he is talking to seemingly air (though at times I know he isn’t talking to air). I get worried he will be too much like me. He has his mothers sleeping and waking habits though so that part makes me smile. I hope it means he will never the insomniac that I am. Then again I didn’t really become an insomniac till about 7.

        In much the way you did I have since discovered, even if you mind your own business and go out of your way to avoid others, often it does not stop you from being entangled in another’s problems or being hurt by that. The robot thing, I could totally make into a story right this second.

        I won’t though, because I think we jokingly are all the time in our comments back and forth. Thanks for tolerating my constant comments. I will stop this comment for now.

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